Lindsey Paradiso

“A thing that you see in my pictures is that I was not afraid to fall in love with these people.”
— Annie Leibovitz

1 am in the cemetary

I never thought I would find myself in a cemetery at 1 am, but tonight I did. Driving home from a friend's house I passed the site where our Omara is buried. I couldn't just drive past her and not stop, so at 12:45 am, I pulled over. I ran to her grave; partially from being afraid of the dark and partially from the desire to be near her. I haven't been by her site in a while; shamefully.

I think that when I plan on going my logic takes over and tells me that there's really nothing there; that she has moved on and that the physical place of her body is just that, the place her body is. Her soul or whatever filled her is off somewhere else; Heaven maybe. But tonight was different... I longed to be near anything that related to her and I ran there. I laid at her grave for a while and sobbed.

I sobbed because I miss the feeling I had when she existed, I miss the plan that Matt and I had in our heads for our lives, I miss the thought of watching her grow and teaching her to braid her hair. I miss HER; which is really strange to think because I never got to know her. In the end, time is healing wounds and the pain is becoming more manageable, but on nights like tonight (which are often) all I want is to be with her or to be reminded that she existed.

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The New Normal